A day I'll never forget.

March 3rd, 3 years ago. It's the day I peed on the stick and two little pink lines showed up. My life changed forever. We had been trying to get pregnant but yet when I saw those two pink lines I immediately was hit with more than happiness and excitement. I felt overwhelmed and sad that the life that my husband and I had made together and were so comfortable with was all about to change....I felt selfish. Did we really want to do this? Maybe it was the shock of it all but I also became selfish in a way that I didn't want to tell anyone...it was my little secret. Chris wanted to shout it from the rooftops but I didn't. I wanted to wait...Chris didn't understand why and while it was very hard for me to tell people I did. We shared our happy news with our parents and grandparents and they were all so thrilled for us. But yet I didn't have that thrilled feeling...was something wrong with me? Aren't all newly expecting mothers suppose to jump up and down and scream from the mountaintops? Perhaps it was because I was so scared that I wouldn't have the perfect pregnancy that I had dreamed of while trying to get pregnant. Well, two days later that perfect pregnancy was out the window when we had to face our worst fear. Our vision of what perfect was went straight out the window. We spent most of the next 5 months in fear of losing the pregnancy and we both became selfish...why is this happening to us? I kept asking myself when will this end? I really did want this little person that was growing inside of me but I wanted it all to be over too. As soon as things began to look hopeful something else would go wrong and I was back at the doctor or in the ER. I couldn't look at baby clothes without crying, I couldn't look at maternity clothes with out crying. The happy phone calls from family kept coming and the congratulation cards kept arriving in the mail and I would cry. What am I going to tell all these people when things don't work out? I was sad, embarrassed, confused, and mad at myself for not feeling as happy as I should. Then five months after all this began good things started to happen, all the complications I had been having had gone away and for the most part it was smooth sailing. But by then I felt like I had lost so much bonding time that I worried I wouldn't be a good Mom. But we started decorating and getting gifts and preparing and we were happy. Chris convinced me I was be the BEST MOM ever and I had nothing to worry about and we patiently awaited on our new arrival. It seemed like the longest nine months ever but I feel like it was just yesterday and yet 3 years have passed. Where does the time go?