Fear.

So I haven't done a post about my brother in a while...I've been putting if off.  Mostly because when I think about my brother not being here I become a big blubbery mess.  I don't like it one bit - being a blubbery mess or him being in a war zone.  I actually started this blog post back on December 10th and I've changed it many times but today I'm ready, I won't use the delete button, I'm going to do this post!  All of these pictures are considered "non-secretive" so I'm not giving  away any military secrets with them.  Just wanted to share them so that you know what my baby brother is up too.  Under some of them, I've tried to put his direct quotes.

And I titled this post "Fear" because it's what I'm living in.  I fear  for him everyday.  I fear for his safety, for his sanity, for his  health, for Jeanna, for my Mom....for me.  I fear hearing that someone  else from his unit has been injured or worse.  I fear soldiers in  uniforms walking up to my Mom's door.  I fear for every soldier and  their family over there right now.  I feared the holidays without him but we made it and we'll make it through the rest of his deployment.  According to Jeanna's count we are on day 212 of his deployment.  His deployment can not last past 400 days but we are hoping for less....so we are officially over half way done.  Time always passes, most of the time we say it passes to quickly but then at times like this we feel like it's going to slow...and yet it always passes.  If there is one thing that you can't hold still it's time.

I have always had the opinion that  war is unfortunately a necessary evil, but now that I know someone in  the war and it's my brother of all people, I question my opinion.  Is  this really necessary?  Are we really doing the right thing over there?  And there probably isn't a right or wrong answer to those questions.  I really hate hearing other peoples opinions on the war right now too.  The hurt that my heart feels because he is over there makes  me feel sad and angry when I hear their opinions, whether I agree with them or not.

When I think about him and realize that I can't call him and say "Hey, come over and watch some TV with us." or "Hey, want to come down and go to lunch with me today at the Sportscenter?"  I'm selfish and took that for granted in the past.  I won't do that anymore.  I haven't gotten to talk to him much since he's been over there.  He's called me a couple of times and sometimes when I pick Ivy up from Mom's Jeanna will be on skype with him and I'll get to say hey.  But for the most part I get all my info from Jeanna, Mom, or whatever Clifford posts on facebook.  Thank goodness for the world wide web.

A lot of my friends have been so wonderful by sending him things.  I asked a few random friends if they would send him a birthday or Christmas card just to try and brighten his day.  But it turned into much more than that.  My friends started talking to their friends and their friends started talking to their friends and well my brother got more than just birthday cards.  He got a lot of packages with things that he really needed.  He was thankful and so was I.  When I got to see him over skype on Christmas day he read me a list of names...some of them I knew and some of them I didn't.  He wanted me to thank everyone who sent him something because he said there is no way he could ever right everyone a thank you note back...so if you sent something to my brother, THANK YOU!  I have amazing friends who do amazing things.

Getting his combat badge.

So from what I know Clifford is doing well.  At least as well as can be expected.  He says that it's unbelievably cold there.  A high of just 10 degrees the other day.  There has been lots of snow too.  He was out on a mission and got snowed in where ever they were at.  I thought this was a good thing...because if he is snowed IN that means he can't go OUT which means he is safe...right?  Well apparently being snowed in away from your FOB isn't a good thing.

He also got bit by a spider while he was sleeping one night.  But don't worry he's okay.  He sarcastically said the he can move all his extremities and there is no rotting hole on the side of his face.  Always the jokester.

I don't know...but I'm assuming he's goofing off with his buddies, I'm just glad to see a smile on his face.

We don't know yet if he will be getting an R&R.  We were hoping that he would get it sometime in the spring but his unit is short handed and he is needed.  Only time will tell really.  I also "fear" the R&R.  I mean if he comes home for two weeks that really only gives him enough time to realize what he is missing and gives us just enough time to get attached to the thought of him being home again and then in the blink of an eye he'll be gone again.  So in a way I guess I'm being selfish again.  I want him to come home for two weeks because that means he's not in Afghanistan but at the same time I don't want him to come home because that means saying goodbye again.  And that didn't go so well for me last time.

His unit, the 1221st

I can't watch the news anymore.  I try but I just don't care.  It seems like everything is bad news lately anyway.  When I see something about  the war I have to hit mute or change the channel.  So mostly my  mornings are consisting of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Handy Manny.

A couple of weeks ago they had a "blackout", which means that all forms of communication were cut off.  This generally only happens when someone is injured or killed so we were nervous but everyone in the 1221st is okay.  It seems we keep that mentality that it won't happen to our loved one but the fact remains that it may.  Or maybe it will happen to someone that your loved one is working with and then you realize how close it can really hit home.

"R.I.P.   I miss you SGT. Harley (AKA Big Willie)"

My brother is doing something that is very dangerous.  And I get lumps in my throat just thinking about it.  I get very aggravated because I'll sign onto Facebook to see if he has sent me any messages or has been online and people update there status about how bad their day was or how horrible things are because they have a cold or a headache or they didn't have any cream cheese for their bagel, etc.  Just petty stuff that annoys me anyway but it really annoys me right now.  I want to respond with "well, my brother is out looking for, digging up, and dismantling roadside bombs, in 10 degree weather, how's that for a bad day, jerks?" but I don't do that because it's really not worth my time or energy.  I have my days where I want to whine too but then I just think about him and all our other soldiers and then I think "Hey, why don't I just dominate this day!"

"My primary truck that I operate!"

He is always telling us how tight the squeeze is in his vehicle and now we can see.

I'm gonna say it's a  "rather large pothole" but I'm guessing I know what really caused that.

This is the vehicle they use to set of IED's

"Nothing bad, just a vehicle that leaned a lil too far.  Everyone came out the same way they went in."

And if I didn't know where this picture was taken...I'd almost say it looks peaceful.

But I'll leave you with one of Clifford smiling because it always makes me feel good to see his little smart ass grin that I've wanted to wipe off his face so many times before.  Now I just can't wait to see it in person again.